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I have been running for a few years now but it isn’t just the run itself that’s the challenge. There are hidden obstacles around each corner and fellow runners ready to distract and disarm you at every turn. In a word, it’s a mine field out there and it’s not surprising that I go out fully equipped with doggy bones, mace and a flask of whiskey (purely for medicinal purposes you understand) Here are some of my favorite encounters: The Gazelle. I imagine every 5k, 10k, marathon and every running track has one. She is blond and beautiful. A mere wisp of a women, decked out in the latest in running fashion and so light on her feet fleet that you never hear her Nikes touch the ground. She wears a sweatband that matches her running attire but it never sports a drop of sweat. You cannot hear her coming but you feel the “whoosh” as she glides past you leaving nothing but a light breeze and touch of perfume in her wake. She is a Goddess and I am unworthy. She laps me. Mr. “I’m Quite a man”. You can spot him 200 yards away when he is just a black blur. As he comes closer, you know that your worst fears have been realized. He is wearing tight black spandex biker pants and a T-Shirt that says “Nuts” My mind is telling me to overt my eyes, yes, overt my eyes but it is too late. Before I can turn away I have witnessed the jingling and jangling that’s going on inside the “athletic wear” As he passes me he mistakes my huffing and puffing for erotic groans and gives me a wink and a thumbs up. Before I can fully compose myself, he will lap me. The Dog Lovers. The excited yelps and barks can be heard long before you turn the corner and encounter them. There are three adults and about twenty dogs (well it could be four it just looks more) three of the dogs are on very long leashes and they are criss- crossing each other so everything is getting tangled. The other dog is running loose and his owner laughs and says “don’t worry, he’s very friendly” You are not worried but his attention to your personal parts is causing you to run with your butt cheeks together. This makes it impossible to jump the entangled leashes without stepping in the large mound of “doggy do” that they have just left. You plod on. They lap you and the dog once again snorts you. Dam he’s quick. Mr. “I Have Not Exercised In 20 Years”. There is justice in the world. Someone out there is more out of breath than you are and is sweating more too. Although I doubt that his eyeballs are shaking in their sockets like mine are. He is the person who has not exercised in 20 years but decided that today he would run 2 miles and loose 20 lbs. He runs at the hottest part of the day and he is running in jeans and a long sleeved t-shirt. His gym shoes are just as uncomfortable at pounding the hard pavement as he is and would much rather be in their usual position propped up on the coffee table. He is sweating profusely and he will never come again. He laps me. The Old man. He is at least 110 years old. His shorts hang on his bony frame and billow in the breeze as he snails along. He is running bare chested and looks frail and fragile. You cannot hear him breathe and wonder if you should drop him to the ground and give him mouth to mouth. He runs every day, rain or shine, He looks like he is barely moving and he is my hero. He laps me. Go for a run and see life! Comments8 Comments so far |
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hilarious! my co-workers are looking at me
[…] You’ve got to have laughs. She makes me laugh. See what I mean here. […]
OMG! I think I’m running on the same road you are!!! LOL! It’s all the more funny because it’s all so true!
Oh my gosh - too funny! Reminds me so much of the times I used to go to the track and was the most pathetic excuse out there. Heck, my own shadow would lap me!
Came over from bobbarama’s blog!
Hey, you! (smile) Just wanted you to know you’re in the latest Humor Carnival. You can get to it from the sidebar at my blog. Very funny post!
Hilarious stuff! You’ve revived my fear of men in Spandex, thanks.
Got here by way of the Humor Carnival.
Oh how very true. I remember the Gzelle from my running days, but was never fast enough to catch her.
Even if I had I would have been too out of breath to do anything!
Came over here from the Carnival of Humor BTW
Insurance ads using cars film….
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