Apr

29

Senior Sports - Run For Your Lives!

Posted by maureen

April 29, 2007 |

On your marks, get set, go! The SPIT Games are in town. SPIT (Seniors Participating in Teams) originated when a group of seniors, hardy perennials at the Doctor’s office, began discussing their need for an athletic outlet that they, as athletically impaired seniors. could particular in. What they lacked in prowess they would make up for in devil may care attitude! The original members were known collectively as the “pee boys“. They conceived the games and were quickly joined by the eager female counterparts know as the “wrinkled wonders“. They were true visionaries and laid the ground work for the games as we know them today. ………

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Rules of the Games:

  • There is no drug testing since it is expected that contestants will be taking at least five prescription drugs. However, Viagra is strictly prohibited during the games due to a very nasty incident when a runner was disqualified for an untimely “happening” half way through the 1500meters. Luckily an astute female competitor seeing his predicament hurried him off to the room when she emerged 2 hours later with the comment“ I saw a friend in need -anyone would have done the same” The mans only comment was “I didn’t see it coming…..”
  • The appropriate attire should be worn during competition. Thongs are prohibited for safety reasons, several ladies ended up with 2nd degree burns while competing in the hurdles last year. Men’s leotards are permitted as long as they are worn with an athletic cup
  • To be fair to the hard of hearing the starters gun will no longer be used and electric shocks have been installed in all starting blocks. The first year they were installed a little too much” juice” was applied and Arnold Price set a record for the high jump as well as winning the 100 meters in record time!
  • Depends Undergarments are prohibited during competition although they are permitted during the medal ceremonies but they must worn inside the shorts and bear the official logo.
  • Walkers are to be checked in at the “walker” coral and any ’souped up” walkers will be disqualified. Last years winner of the one lap “walker -walk“, Fanny Adams, was disqualified and her time of 88.5mph struck from the record book. (although she did qualify for the senior NASCAR competition)
  • Triage unit will be on the field and available at all times.
  • Oxygen stations will be positioned at 100 meter intervals.
  • Pre-race Denture depository will ensure that all dentures are removed and tagged so there is no re-occurrence of the unfortunate incident when everyone went home with the wrong teeth.
  • Wheelchair Wheelies. This year the race will not be done on a slope in the hopes of avoiding the mass pile up that has become know as “Black Friday”
  • Medals will be awarded posthumously when necessary.
  • The “Olympic Flame” will be replaced with an “Olympic Flicker” after an exhausted torch bearer dropped his torch and set off a car fire that extended to twenty cars. Luckily, the subsequent fireball fitted in so well with the theme for the Games that year, “Chariots of Fire”, that no panic ensued.
  • The original Games were held over a two week period but the host cities ambulatory resources were stretched beyond capacity and today’s games are just a four day event.

The leather clad members of MAMA (Mature Adults Motorcycle Organization) will not be allowed into the Olympic village. For several years they have been riding their “hogs’ and traumatizing the ladies from the over 65’s cheer leading troupe while they practice, by honking their horns, revving their engines and showing their hardware and tattoos. The troupe said they cannot sustain the lose of any more of the ladies jumping ship and riding off into the sunset on the back of the motorcycles.

Medals will be awarded for 1st, 2nd , 3rd place. All medals will be forged in high grade plastic that double as a denture/ pill box.

The “Wave” will not be permitted this year….last year’s wave turned into a “Tsunami” with forty-eight fractures, twenty-nine broken bones, sixteen concussions and the loss of six toupees

Closing ceremonies will be performed by the Condo Cowboys and Fifties Floozies - a marvel of human precision - who will perform their famous ten minute re-enactment of the Battle of Thermopylae, the famous Spartan War , in traditional Spartan battle dress. It will leaving you asking “eh?”

Official drink of the games: Metamucil

Motto of the Games: Break A Leg!


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